Chasing Him – a Relationship Timeline by Rori Raye
Have you ever felt like a man is doing everything he can to throw you off balance? Like he’s hot one minute and cold the next? Like a jungle cat – coming close enough to get petted on the head and fed, and then baring his fangs, hissing and leaping away the moment you move even an inch toward him? And you ask yourself – is he a commitment- phoebe? Is he just not the one for me? Is he just not capable of rowing the Relationship Rowboat – or WHAT…?
I remember spending my precious brainpower and precious energy – not to mention precious LOVE on men who may have been any of the above or none of the above. But one thing’s for sure, they weren’t doing ME any good. They may have been handsome, smart, artistic, poetic, funny, rich, talented, powerful and good fathers. They may have been exactly what I wanted. But they were, to borrow a line from a movie trailer I just saw – Great looking shoes – just in the wrong size for ME.
So – what makes a great looking shoe in the RIGHT SIZE? Let’s look at this hot/cold thing that men do. Have you ever noticed that he’s hot when you’re cold and cold when you’re hot? I’ll bet you’ve tried doing all kinds of “strategies,” like playing “hard to get” and “I don’t care” and he all of a sudden got hot as you PRETENDED to get cold. But then, the second you warmed up, off he went again into the freezer.
And, if you’re anything like I was, you thought it had something to do with you, and got all down about yourself, and then you thought it had to do with him, and got angry at him, and then you got scared and went right back to being totally confused. I remember practically living there, in that place where I was always bouncing between beating myself up, getting angry at him, and then feeling guilty and scared. It was as though I slept and ate in the land of “I’m confused about men and I’m really confused about this relationship.” And the really rotten thing about it is that so many men love to play this game with us. And about 100% of men don’t even know they’re playing it!
They just do it sort of automatically.
Here’s a letter from “Chasing Him”:
Rori, You have me pegged…I have been chasing “Don” for 4 years. We were together through our respective divorces, then he decided he needed to be with another woman; that lasted 1 1/2 years, now we’re dating again. He tells me he’s not ready for commitment but might be “someday.” I want commitment and romance. Sex used to be great. It no longer is.
We enjoy each other’s company; we have interests and community in common. He calls almost every night and we see each other at church and date 2 or 3 times a month. Should I give him more time or let him go? Thank you, “Chasing Him”.
***Chasing Him’s situation is so incredibly painful, and so many of us find ourselves there – wanting and waiting for a commitment.
Where the man is acting “sort of into the relationship” but says he’s not. And then, the confusion and frustration we’re feeling make the quality of the relationship – sex, romance, affection, attention – go downhill. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been through this “I’m waiting around for commitment, what should I do?” problem.
It’s a mistake we’ve all made, and perhaps you’re making it too, right now.
Have you ever found yourself going through this, or are now, and it just feels like a horrible “either/or” choice you have to make? Where you have to decide either to give him more time or let him go? But it doesn’t have to be that way.
There’s another way, my Rori Raye Third Way, which uses all my Tools to feel stronger on the inside and inspire a man to move the relationship forward on the outside. First, I’d like to lay the groundwork for a whole new way of looking at “dating” and “relationships” that will help you tremendously.
Do you find yourself wondering what a man means by what he says, or what he’s feeling at any given moment? Well, a “Relationship” looks, feels and moves very differently for a man than it does for us women. And that’s why we’re so confused by a man’s behavior, and why we spend so much time and energy trying to figure him out. If I’d known then what I know now, I could have skipped all the hours and days and heartache I spent focusing on a man and forgetting about myself.
I’d like to save you the trial-and-error I slogged through and get you right to the good stuff. Let’s start with what dating you looks like in a man’s mind. Let’s say you’ve been seeing each other for a few months, with or without sex: So…he says (in his mind), “Here’s this girl (you), and she’s pretty, and sexy, and she likes me, and I like her well enough, and we get along great, and she’s willing to kiss me and cuddle with me, and maybe have sex with me, and cook me dinner and even pay for things sometimes – what could possibly be wrong?”
In other words, he takes what he can get, and doesn’t think anything of it. When a man says, “I’m just not ready for a relationship now. But maybe ‘someday’ and maybe ‘you,’ and I don’t want to hurt you,” we think he means he’s just confused and that he’ll come around and see we’re meant for each other very soon. But mostly, what he’s saying is that he doesn’t want to get serious with us.
Perhaps he truly doesn’t want to be serious with any woman, but for sure, he doesn’t want to be serious with us, not right now. And he doesn’t even THINK about why he doesn’t want to get serious. He’s just following his gut feelings. We women might call this (I know it’s indelicate, but it’s true) “following his dick.” But I’ll call it “following his heart,” because, really, it is. For a man, sex and love can be (unlike most of us women) completely separate. When he tells us he doesn’t want to get serious, for whatever reason, it DOESN’T mean he wants to stop seeing us, or sleeping with us, or having fun with us (as long as he thinks we’re fun).
He’s just telling us not to get our hopes up. But he’s instinctively doing it in a way that keeps us hoping. So he gets exactly what he wants. He gets US, with no strings attached! And he can always, if things get sticky, refer back to the conversation in which he said “I don’t want to hurt you.” The thing is – he’s not doing it on purpose to hurt us.
He doesn’t want to hurt us, but he figures if he tells us that, and we still stick around, then it’s OUR decision, and so that lets him off the hook. In other words, he takes us at face value. If we’re still there after his “I don’t want to get serious, maybe someday, and I don’t want to hurt you” speech, then we’re agreeing with him that the “relationship” is now on his terms. And then later on, if we continue to expect that the relationship is moving forward, he feels almost offended.
We women, on the other hand, are completely different about not wanting to hurt anyone else. We REALLY don’t want to do that. We don’t want to hurt anyone else. And we’re very sensitive about what it means to hurt someone else. We REALLY stop seeing a man after a pleasant, but not marriage-bound (as far as we’re concerned) date because we don’t want to hurt his feelings somewhere down the line.
We don’t want to lead a man on. But for a man, it’s different. For a man, EVERYTHING up until the engagement ring is “just dating” – or, even worse, “just friends.” The whole concept of “leading us on” doesn’t even exist for them. (We’re talking about a decent, regular guy here, not a “player.” I’ll deal with the Red Flags about players in another eLetter.)
MEN FIGURE WE KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. Really, they do. They expect us – just because we’re women – to understand relationships better than they do. They ASSUME that if we’re dating them, we know we’re “just dating” them – and, of course, most of the time we don’t.
I know I never did. To me, a goodnight kiss (if I wanted to kiss him again) was a “Relationship.” A man, on the other hand, can not only kiss us goodnight and want to kiss us again, he can have sex with us and want to have sex with us again – and still not see it as a “Relationship.”
So, with all this difference in perception between us – as to what kind of relationship we are or aren’t in – how can we possibly hope to get a man to commit to us? If he doesn’t even see himself in a “relationship,” how can he think of us in the long-term?
***This all has to do with what I call THE RELATIONSHIP TIMELINE.
It’s the difference between “just dating” and “just friends” and a REAL Relationship. It’s the difference between an IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP and a Real Relationship. It’s the difference between where you and I feel we are in the Relationship Timeline and where HE thinks we are. And most of the time, we’re way ahead of him.
We’re looking at banquet halls for the wedding when he’s just thinking of us as a “great girl.” We’re making ourselves exclusive to one man who thinks he’s “just dating” us. We cut out our options, and keep our feelings hidden. Does this sound familiar to you? If you’re finding yourself spending your time, energy and love in the confusion and heartache that is an Imaginary Relationship, you don’t have to live in that place anymore.
There’s so much you can do for yourself, and I know my Tools will help you. And as you practice the Tools, feel stronger and better about yourself, and start communicating with a man from your heart (like he does – in his own way and as best he can), you’ll see things change. You’ll start to see the relationship you’re only Imagining now becoming more Real.
*****So, how can we make a man like this, who (like most men) is just going along, having fun and stepping forward if he’s having fun, and pulling away if he thinks he’s not having fun, want to commit to us?
What flips the switch from an Imaginary Relationship into a Real Relationship along the Relationship Timeline. For now, let’s look at two reasons a man will commit to you:
One, he doesn’t want to lose you, and knows he will if he doesn’t commit; and Two, he wants to be with you non-stop and just feels compelled to commit to you and get you to commit to him.
One is something he’s afraid of and wants to avoid because it will cause him pain, the other is something he just flat-out wants because he wants it. And different men, just like us, are motivated differently Some of us focus on moving AWAY from things we don’t like, and some of us focus on moving TOWARD things we do like.
So, what’s the smart thing to do that will actually work? You’ll cover all your bases.
You’ll do the Rori Raye Mantra. First, you’ll let him know that he’ll lose you if he doesn’t move the relationship forward. This is Trusting Your Boundaries. That means that you TRUST YOURSELF – that you will not hang around with a man who doesn’t want what you want – which is commitment – which might be marriage, or walking off into the sunset together. This isn’t an ultimatum. This is simply not becoming exclusive (in any way but sexually), with any man until he’s sure of what he wants, and you want it, too!
Then, Second, you’ll open your heart to him.
This is Following Your Feelings and Choosing Your Words. You’ll be inviting him into your heart, and staying warm and focused on yourself and your own feelings. This way, once he touches your warm and open heart with his own heart (but still gets from your “vibe” that he’ll lose you if he doesn’t step up to the plate), he’ll want to be around you, and with you, always. You can do it! If I did it, you can.
Love,
Rori Raye
The one thing I hate about feeling something for a guy is the part when you’re really into it and then suddenly his not. It’s like your being thrown into a pool with ice cold water in a hot sunny day. Well just like what they say, you won’t feel pain and get jealous if you really don’t love that person. But I’m not sure if it’s really true. Sometime our feelings deceive us. We might be hurt because of our pride or maybe we really love that person.
Confusing isn’t it? Hate that feeling? Who wouldn’t? The bad side about being a woman is that you can do nothing when he says NO! Sometimes, we’re afraid to let him know or ask him the truth because we’re afraid to get hurt. And the most painful part is hearing the hurtful truth coming from his mouth.
I have been into a couple of relationships. Some lasted long and some just for a couple of months. Been hurt, happy, hurt again, and happy and then hurt again…It seems like there are only 2 emotions left in this world for me… Getting hurt and then embrace happiness that won’t last long.
It came to the point that I played on love maybe due to what I’ve been through. The sad part is I played on the real love. Too bad the train bearing the true love never came back and wasn’t able to catch it. Now he’s happy with someone else and I’m left full of regrets…
Am a woman and used to react by following my heart/my feeling. Got confused a few times but after some time I decided to follow my brain, feeling is just a feeling, it comes and goes. All the theory we heard all the time (what you see is what you get) are true and women at some point thought all signs as biggie when in fact, they aren’t. I chose to relax and be greatful every day that I keep learning about myself, what I want and how to see what I want from a real person. Women tend to be drama queens, that’s a fact, but we can change to be more realistic. If I were man, I would be scared to date women after divorce for example, it’s a hard truth but it’s very human. Coupling that with a deadline to commit, I bet I would run away too. I feel lonely sometimes but I believe loneliness should never be a reason to pursue a guy. I believe we attract who we are as a person. The universe will connect me to the right guy, he will show up one day, period.
Really hard to find a guy that’s not afraid of commitment, but there’s nothing you can do but to try. Nice post.
Is that line about the shoes from Sex and the City? I was just wondering because I have seen all the episodes and big screen films, but do not recall it. I’ve seen that game played many times. Unfortunately, if the woman is too smitten by the guy, she will try too hard to please him by adjusting to his moodiness and this will cause her to go back in forth in a yo yo syndrome of emotions, not to mention frustration. If you allow anyone to do this, they will gladly oblige and you will go crazy.
I think it is important for women to have a strong identity of their own, whether it be through a career or a passion that they remain active in the form of a hobby. When you take pride in your own accomplishments, you don’t feel the need to feel proud of the man you reeled in. It is much easier to move on when it does not work out than when you rely on someone for your contentment or for your social life. Women especially should be able to move on because it is much easier to go out and get approached than it is for men who must do the approaching, in almost all cases.
I find you can learn a lot about yourself when you keep a journal. In case you’re thinking you don’t have time for a daily diary, keep in mind that you shouldn’t feel obligated to write an entry every day. It’s purpose is to document anything significant that happens to you even if that be only once in a while. If you record your thoughts and actions when something affects you significantly, not only is it cathartic and therapeutic for you to express your feelings, but the journal enables you to look back on your past to see how you have grown and it lets you remember details about mistakes you have made so you can learn from them or reaffirm how much you have matured or are improving. You could even keep a journal just for your relationships and this could help you solve your issues.
And they say women are hard to figure out. I know women are supposedly more complex than men but I really started to wonder after reading your article. I really don’t know what to do in your case because I was a lucky one that met my husband in High School and he knew he wanted a relationship and wanted to get married before I did, he had to convince me and we have been together 26 years now. So I guess in my case I was the man in the relationship and he had to do the Rori Raye Mantra on me. My best wishes are for you though you can do it.
I am going through this RIGHT NOW. I have been seeing this same man for about a year. We have a very strong bond to one another. He has pulled away at times and blamed it on me wanting to become to serious, and when the truth comes out it’s really about him pulling away because he feels himself getting to attached. I have fallen in love with him. I have continued to do my own thing and “do me” as they say and date here and there, he has been completely cut out of my life and yet he still finds his way back and tells me he misses me and “looks for me”. When I tell him I don’t want him to worry about making me happy because he is going through to much, he tells me “shouldn’t that be my choice.” Still no commitment is offered. I want him to tell me I am the one he wants, his family has told him that they think I am “the one” for him. I read TOO MUCH into things that are technically small and putting power into the things he says and does, making it into be something about it being a “big step for him”. I am this woman in this article. The funny thing is, that I am like this with NO OTHER MAN. I have dated some great guys, just also the wrong shoe size and I don’t get attached and they chase me…but this one, this one man has a hold on my heart. Our chemistry is amazing, but then I feel HORRIBLE about myself most of the time, disgusted with myself as if I ate a whole chocolate cake in one sitting. Meeting him further than he meets me, it’s not a feminine feeling…but when I back off, he comes forward and says that he “tried to step up to the plate.” But he didn’t actually DO anything. I don’t know what to do, but just lay it out and say I can’t do it anymore, not with him.
He’s a young 77 and widowed. I’m 59 and widowed. He asked me out, I accepted, he calls about every 3-4 days. Now he doesn’t want to get “serious”. I refuse to call him. Should I?