Advice on How To Have The Relationship You Want – Relationship Tips for Women by Rori Raye
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain – but this is SO common in budding relationships, according to Rori Raye. First he comes on strong, gets you attracted to him and gets your heart in his hand … then he pulls away and leaves YOU wondering what the heck happened.
Well, first of all, when he was the one pursuing you, you were doing what Rori Raye calls “leaning back” – you were making him take the steps toward you and to pursue you, which men LIKE to do.
In addition, it seems to me that he has been TELLING you that he does not want an exclusive relationship – he is moving, he has been hurt before, etc. YOU have also been hurt, and just maybe, you were starting to feel safe with him because you knew deep inside that he did not want a serious relationship, therefore he could not be a serious threat to your heart. But what happens it, you start to feel safe for him, and when you do, you allow yourself to fall in love with him.
So now what?
Well, in order to actually HAVE the relationship you want, you have to know what is out there. You must start dating other people. Your relationship with this man is undefined, he is moving away, he is becoming distant and he is on other dating sites. Why would you consider this relationship to be exclusive? It’s not. TAKE that opportunity to date other people.
By dating other people, you will expand your interests, the selection of men available to you, AND you will show THIS man that you are a hot commodity, and if he WANTS to be exclusive with you, he needs to EARN IT.
Then – there’s the talking and listening part. When a man says he’s not sure he’s “into you,” or “not feeling it for you,” RUN. Saying he loves you but isn’t ready yet for a serious relationship is WAY different than saying he’s “not sure of his feelings.” If he says he’s “not sure of his feelings”, that would be the cue to get out of there.
But - you don’t have to leave him completely – you can still DATE him. He may actually be feeling confused. But your sticking around while he figures it out will do you nothing but harm.
So – if this man felt safe by telling you that he was moving, he was not interested in a real relationship, etc, he felt safe when he felt that he had to really pursue you to get your interest. But then, when he HAD it, it freaked him out and he distanced himself.
So you need to get yourself out there and date other people. Show this guy that you are in demand, that you are not going to sit there and pine away for him and then maybe that will give him the impetus to understand his feelings and take action on them one way or another. Learn more in Rori Raye’s eBook Have the Relationship You Want.
Marriage Advice for Women by Rori Raye – What You Can Do if Your Boyfriend is Acting Withdrawn…
Relationship tips – how to react if your boyfriend is acting distant…….
I have been in such situation too. I fall in love for the wrong person who did make me fall in love in the first place. The hurtful part is when he just said that we’re just friends and no further relationships. But every time we see each other, there he goes again. Caring, sweet, and thoughtful and I’ve been falling for such tricks again. Whenever we’re together, we’re just talking about the mother of his child. We don’t even have the chance to discuss the real score between us. Or I’m just afraid to face the reality and hear the truth from him that would really hurt me.
It really hurts most especially if your falling in love for him at such high level then suddenly he just lets you go without further notice. Urgh! How I wish I could turn back time and just love the different person. The person who really loves me and don’t asks for return.
I agree with the talking and listening part. This is moment where you need to know the truth. If the man that you are dating with is really wanting you to be her partner or should I say to know if he wants to be in a relationship with you. A difficult yet a good confrontation to know that true feelings for each other.
There are some tips for having the relationship you want that will help you transform the dynamic between you and your man into exactly what you want it to be. If you want him to be more attentive, loving and devoted to you, you can surely make that happen with the right insight.
This is so common and I see it with many friends and acquaintances. Now that my sister is divorced and has reentered the dating scene, she has encountered men with similar tendencies. I tell her that she should keep her options open and continue dating especially since she’s been out of the loop for many years and therefore important for her to see what’s out there. She has since gotten over her initial need to jump into a relationship, which I think was just a result of her insecurity about being single. I think this point about continuing to date is good advice by Carter.
I truly feel for this girl, so many times you see this happen with no explanation. My son is now in his twenties and he has been looking for a RELATIONSHIP not just a once in awhile date or fling, but every time he would start dating a girl he would start getting serious and they would back off like this young man did. This was a first for me because just like her story it was usually the man that did the backing off not the woman. In today’s society the rolls have reversed in most cases and the girl doesn’t want to commit. I am sorry for her heartache, after watching my son go through it I know how painful it can be.
Don’t give up though the right guy is out there for you and when you find him it will be magical.
I guess all is fair in love and war. It seems men and women are hardly completely honest with one another. One person always seems to be more in love than the other. Rarely is that dynamic equal. And there is usually some concealment of real feelings on the part of one or the other. I think it is idealistic to go into any relationship thinking there is absolute honesty, without any sort of head game playing involved.
I have come to realize that a man can begin to feel withdrawn when he is discontent with his partner or the relationship. It is not always a permanent emotion or state. Sometimes, it is a mood. Some men are just moody on a regular basis. This is most often the case with ambivalent or indecisive men. Hi emotional withdrawl may be triggered by some trait he has discovered in you which he does not like and which makes him ponder whether he should go further in the relationship. Again, it is not always a permanent notion; Sometimes it is just a temporary mood. I am not being pessimistic, just realistic in acknowledging that these sort of thoughts can go through a man.
The advice you gave this young lady in your article was very sincere and hopefully helpful. I am so tired of hearing about these poor women that get stuck with men like this. They all want their cake and they want to eat it too. Thank you for caring enough to make this post, awesome job.
I think it is important to keep in mind that if your mate is acting withdrawn, it may not be a deliberate choice nor a response to your relationship. Modern life is full of hassles, deadlines, frustrations, and demands. For many people, stress is so commonplace that it has become a way of life. It’s important to communicate with your mate to see if it may be job related and even then, if he’s normally inhibited, he may not know himself why he is acting moody. The most dangerous thing about stress is how easily it can creep up on you and you can grow accustomed to it. It starts to feel familiar even normal. You don’t notice how much it’s affecting you, even as it takes a heavy toll and that is usually when a person can’t identify the reason for his apathetic mood.
All I can say is that sucks! But as painful as it may be Rori is right you need to get yourself out there and see what else you can find. If he is moving and he hasn’t said anything about you coming with him that leads me to believe that you were just someone in the port for the sailor and now he’s on his way looking at the singles site for the next someone where he is going. Maybe if you started dating someone while he is still in town and he knew about it, you would find out truly how he feels about you, he might then decide he wants you to go with him or he wants to stay. I am not saying that will happen but you won’t know until you try it. I am sorry to hear about this and I hope it all works out for you.
How does someone MAKE you fall in love with them? It sounds like he told you up front, but not in so many words, that he wasn’t looking to get serious. I think the reason he acted the way he did while he was with you was because that is who he is and he wanted to enjoy your company as much as possible. If you don’t think this is the case then, two can lay his game. Show him how it feels and that you are not going to set around waiting on him.
Someone touched on an important point. That is the possibility that the cause his withdrawing or apathetic attitude may be due to stress either from his job or from some other aspect of his life or even something about the relationship that is not being communicated. I remember when I had a job I hated and was living with my partner in an apartment, I would come home and not feel like doing anything, not even talking. And it was due to the fact that I was feeling stressed out all day at work and then I would come home tired and drained from the stress. So maybe if your mate is apathetic, you should ask questions, not just one, but many to draw out any information.
it sounds like to me that this was never a relationship to him, he was just passing time and having fun until he moved on. I would say goodbye and good rid dens. Take Rori’s advice and start dating other guys it isn’t worth it to pine over him any longer.
I believe if I were a young woman falling in love, I would find some of this advice hard to follow. Are there credentials available for the authors?
I really am sorry about this girl relationship falling apart the way it did. It sounds like this guy was just playing the field while he was here but he did it in such a way that she thought they were exclusive and he was going to stay forever. To me this is a total lack of communication on both parts, you can’t have a relationship and not talk to each other and express your desires and thoughts. Take from someone who knows, my marriage has been that way for twenty five years and I am just now learning to talk to him about anything and everything and it has worked out to my advantage. Before something like this happens again with the next guy, set down and discuss where each of you are on the relationship aspect and then build your relationship from there.
I am sorry that this happened to you and I know that doesn’t help the pain of the whole situation but I hope you don’t let this keep you down. A lot of women that get hurt like this decide it just isn’t worth it to put yourself out there anymore. If this is how you are feeling you are wrong, Take Rori’s advice get out there again and date some other guys. Take it slow this time and let him pursue you. If you don’t feel like getting out to find someone then go to those dating sites for singles and try it that way then the guy will know up front that you are looking for a relationship not just a fling. I don’t know you but you sound like an amazing lady and I hope that you find Mr. Right real soon.
I have heard that some marriage counselors say some persons choose partners who have similar characteristics as their parents or persons the were close to during their childhood. My friend confided in me and told me about her relationship, which sounded much like this reader. When she was a child, her father was constantly withdrawing from her mother. Her father was an alcoholic who found it easier to deal with problems by drinking. His withdrawal frustrated her mother who became resentful at his withdrawal. As an adult it makes sense that she would choose a man who mirrored what she had witnessed in her home while growing up.
The best way to get the marriage you want is to discuss what you want before you get married. Don’t let him walk all over you and don’t be a softy that gives him his way all the time. Speak your mind when you are given the opportunity let him know your opinion. It is ok to disagree that doesn’t mean he will leave you. These are the things I am having to tell myself over and over now a days and I have been married for twenty four years, we are just now getting the marriage I think we should have had a long time ago.
It’s my opinion that some women are unnecessarily blaming themselves for their partner’s emotional withdrawal. But guilt is an ingrained reaction for many women. Ladies and gentlemen, for that matter, before you start thinking you have been doing something wrong, consider the lifestyle habits of your partner. Why? Because recreational drugs or alcohol could be at the heart of his / her emotional withdrawal. Withdrawal occurs because your brain works like a spring when it comes to addiction. Drugs and alcohol are brain depressants that push down the spring. They suppress your brain’s production of neurotransmitters like noradrenaline. When you stop using drugs or alcohol it’s like taking the weight off the spring, and your brain rebounds by producing a surge of adrenaline that causes withdrawal symptoms. So if you don’t already know, ask your mate about his /her drug and / or alcohol usage.
Rori is so right in this article, you have to get back out there and date some other guys. Let this guy know that you are dating and see what happens, see if he realizes what he had and if he wants it back he is going to have to change his thinking. There was only one thing in the article I disagreed with and I didn’t disagree completely, where it said, “Your relationship with this man is undefined, it wasn’t defined because it wasn’t at all, there never was a “relationship there were fun ties with a friend is all. Thank you for posting this even with how much it probably hurt it had to be said.
So Damon, if a guy sometimes feels this way towards a woman why does he just withdrawal from the relationship? Why not tell the woman what is wrong instead of just pulling back from her and making her think that she did something wrong when it is him that doesn’t want to commit or that has the issue? Men need to learn how to open their mouths and talk instead of getting in a relationship they aren’t serious about and hurting someone all the time.
A friend of mine who works as an advocate for family and children services told that she deals with divorces and custody issues and sometimes has to double as a marriage counselor. She said that some men model after fathers who had an inability to trust caused by the trauma of their parent’s divorce or by a parent’s controlling or angry behaviors. She also said some spouses give freely of themselves during the early years of their marriage, but then, under the influence of numerous types of stress, the emotional wounds of mistrust from childhood and adolescence emerge. This cause some to pull away or criticize in an unconscious attempt to protect themselves from further betrayal. But the most common reason, she said, is the toll that various hurts over the years of the marriage take. But I think that can go both ways because I’ve seen some women get fed up with injustices they’ve been enduring without voicing their feelings until one day the straw breaks the camel’s back.
Like Rori says you need to get yourself out In the world of dating again when something like this happens and if you don’t feel like going out and doing it the hard way or old fashioned way because of the level of rejection you feel when you go out and not one guy try’s to hit on you. Try some of those mature dating sites, I say mature because these are the people looking for a relationship not just a fun time with a friend. Don’t give up though no matter what, don’t give up.
From what I have read, the three most common reasons for emotional withdrawal are: he has lost interest; he feels rushed; he is afraid; I am no expert, certainly not like the author, but to me, it seems that of these three possible causes, the best scenario (reason) for a female or anyone else going through this type of problem is his being afraid. That is because this is the cause that can most easily be dealt with. You need only have an open, candid discussion, without judgment or emotional shots fired. Once he is coaxed into revealing his fear(s), you can then compromise if needed and offer words to reassure him, even if that requires your continued patience. But by the same token, I understand if a female might be getting a bit anxious because they have been in a committed relationship for a long period of time and he still has not indicated any interest in a stronger commitment. In such a scenario, a person can’t just continue waiting forever.
Yeah this is one of those tough spots. Do you wait for him to come around… or do you move on. But if you wait too long and then nothing happens you just wasted time. On the other hand if you move on and later find out that if you only waited a bit things could have been better, it would always bother you. So what to do?
I believe that proper communication is key. Also honesty is important, because communicating lies gets you nowhere. He has to be honest with himself, you have to be honest with yourself. Discuss the issues, see if things can be worked out, compromises made. Of course nothing good comes without some kind of sacrifice, from either you or him. If you love the guy, and he’s giving you hope, stick around. If you are starting to love him but he’s hopeless, run!! If he loves you but isn’t ready for big commitment, find out how much he loves you so you know where you stand. Also, do date around because sometimes you’ll think you love this person but then you’ll meet someone else that will make you feel the things you never felt before and you’d look back and feel silly. Opportunity cost!