Surviving Infidelity – Relationship Tips for Women
Recently, one of my readers wrote in to me, seeking relationship advice for her situation, where her significant other is being unfaithful by putting himself up on a dating site while they were, in what was assumed to be, an exclusive relationship. While this reader may herself be surviving infidelity, it is obvious that her relationship will not.
Anne writes:
Dear Sarah -
How do I break up with a guy that I have been dating for 4 months? [I want to break up with him because] he lies to me; he is on a dating site and even put a picture that I took of him and put it on the site. I have a gut feeling that he is out with someone new right now. So what do I do?
Thanks,
Anne
My response to Anne –
First of all, Anne, please let me express my sorrow and give you a virtual hug. surviving infidelity is hard, no matter how young your relationship may be. From your email, I cannot tell whether the affair you are relating is an
emotional affair or a physical affair, but in reality, it does not matter other than the fact that if it was a physical affair he had and you were intimate with him, you will want to visit your doctor and get yourself checked out to make sure you are healthy.It is obvious that the affair your boyfriend has had has devastated your relationship, and if you have decided to leave him, then go for it. I suggest that you do it very simply, without drama or incident. You need to tell him in a calm, cool manner that you see that he is not upholding his end of your relationship requirements, and that due to that fact, you can no longer trust him, and therefore your relationship is over. To add a bit of “friendly finality” to that, I would simply shake his hand, tell him you will see him around, and walk away. Do not demand explanations, justice or apologies because if you are moving on without him, you do not need those things from him as a strong and independent woman.
As you move into upcoming relationships, though, please do not expect this behavior from all men. The actions of one do not necessarily define the actions of all! I would, though, recommend a slightly different strategy for you, though, especially as a woman who is surviving infidelity.
Rori Raye suggests in her eBook, Have The Relationship You Want (as well as in all of her programs) that women avoid the “exclusivity trap” and date as many men as possible, until she finds a man who is ready to make THE commitment to her. Rori Raye suggests this for several reasons (and I will try to keep them brief!)…
• Attraction – refusing to commit to a man and dating other men keeps the attraction alive and cooking. DO NOT BE INTIMATE with them until you have the commitment you want, but until YOU HAVE that commitment, do not quit dating other men.
• Diversity – in order to get what YOU want, you need to shop around. You don’t walk into a store and pick out the first shirt off the rack, throw it on the cashier’s table and check out. You try it on. You try on several – and then you make a decision. How much more so should you shop around for a commitment that is supposed to last the rest of your life?
• Value – You are a hot commodity. In order for value to be perceived with most things, scarcity has to be implied. If he is going to really value you, he HAS to understand that he is lucky to have the time with you that he does, and that when and if you choose to give him all your time, you are bestowing a gift upon him that he better cherish.
So please, Anne, know that you will come out stronger for surviving infidelity, whether this was an emotional affair or a physical affair. Take Rori Raye’s advice and shop around before you decide to buy next time, and have a healthier, happier relationship for it. Remember to educate yourself about other relationship mistakes by visiting the
Rori Raye section of my blog.
Surviving Emotional Infidelity – Will You Forgive Your Man?…
Emotional infidelity is as bad as physical infidelity and can hurt your marriage just as much. Maintain your dignity whether or not you decide to for……
Great advice Sarah, specially where you said “Do not demand explanations, justice or apologies because if you are moving on without him, you do not need those things from him as a strong and independent woman”.
Surviving infidelity and an affair IS possible. It may not feel that way if you’ve recently uncovered the affair of your spouse or partner. If you have just uncovered the affair, or the suspicions of infidelity are so intense that they’re driving you out of your mind, then, you know what I’m talking about.
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These are great points. I especially like the business principle which is applied to dating: “In order for value to be perceived with most things, scarcity has to be implied. I do feel empathy for the woman had to realize her reality in such an abrupt manner, but I must chuckle at the situation only because this is not an isolated incident. In fact, it is quite common now that online dating sites have exploded and become over saturated – unfortunately with mostly conniving serial daters who are out to deceive as many unsuspecting women as their libido will demand. I’ve heard from many women on dating sites about their horror stories and there are many. Dating sites make it too convenient for players to reel women in like fish in nets.
Surviving this is possible as it was stated in another post. It is hard and there are times of doubt but you can work through it. It takes a lot of time and a lot of work to build the trust back up and the person that did the cheating has to be willing to sacrifice anything and everything to make it work if they are really sorry and they want to save the relationship. When you get past the rebuilding process you will have both learned a lot about the other one and you will understand the relationship process a lot better.
Infidelity is infidelity whether it is physical or emotional. They can be using the computer for dating sites or pornography or talking to ex girlfriends on facebook, they all hurt just as bad as if he were actually physically cheating. You stop and you ask yourself when you stopped being enough for him and that hurt never goes away. If you don’t think you can work through this (because that is possible) then you have to let him go. You asked “how do I break up with this guy well you tell him the truth, why you are really leaving and keep at that. Something like this will scar you for other relationships as well you will always be suspicious and that is no way to have a relationship. Best wishes I hope it all turns out for you.
if you still can’t think of a way to break it off with this guy, maybe you should do to him what he is doing to you. Let him know (or find out) that you are on a dating site as well, let him see how it feels. This could either prompt him to stop if he really wants to be with you or it will take the breaking up part out of it all together and you will be able to just go separate ways. I do agree however to shop around next time for the right guy, he’s out there, don’t give up. But also don’t play to hard to get trying to make him see that you are so valuable that he can’t live with out you. There is a fine line to walk here but once you find that guy you will be glad you did it.
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I feel for anyone who has been hurt by betrayal and infidelity. It can be paralyzing to hurt that much. I know because I have been through the kind of hurt that lasts for years. Someone once wrote that a relationship gone wrong can go on to define a person’s life. I think that happened to me as I never really chose to love again.
I just watched a movie based on the real story of the craigslist murderer. While I am not suggesting your man is a serial killer, the tendencies of men are similar to those of the perpetrator in that movie. The movie was about a medical student who, despite being engaged to be married, had a predilection with meeting hookers from craigslist. Upon arrival, he would bound them and in some cases, rob them of their money. I asked a friend if he honestly fantasized about doing what the craigslist murder did to his victims, and he not only said yes, but also said that most guys have bondage fantasies, but mostly fantasies of having multiple women. I guess most men are just wired to want to spread their seed. Maybe women should just come to terms with this reality.
Once your trust has been violated, it’s difficult to make it viable in your relationship again. Taking the steps to put trust back in your relationship sounds like a difficult thing to do. Trust has to be a living, breathing entity in order for a relationship to survive. This applies to romantic relationships, family relationships and friendships. So when your trust is violated, how do you overcome that and restore trust in your relationship? I guess, if you have the desire to try rebuilding trust in a relationship again or just learn to trust again in general, it is possible.
Emotional infidelity is almost as bad as physical infidelity. My boyfriend is really into the pornography thing and I am not by any means, I feel it is wrong. But he still keeps looking at it and then wanting to have sex with me and then doesn’t understand why it hurts my feeling. How do I explain to him that it hurts my feeling because I don’t know if he is making love to me or he is living out a movie that he watched. Emotionally this relationship is going in a bad direction and I do not know how to stop it, what do you suggest I do? I have read your other posts and I think you have very good advice do you have any for me?
Emotional infidelity is easily overcome compared to physical infidelity in my opinion anyway. Physical leaves you thinking every time he touches you if he touched her that way, did he kiss her that way, while he is kissing you, your thinking he kissed her with this mouth too. It is very scarring and sometimes damages a relationship permanently. Although I do understand that emotionally infidelity can do the same thing sometimes depending on the circumstances. I agree with Ruben on this one, do to him what he is doing to you and see how he likes it. Maybe you won’t have to break It off with him then, whatever you do , what ever advice you take please don’t sell yourself short and be prepared for the worst case scenario. If that happens, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and go out with some of those guys on those dating sites maybe Mr. Right is one of them.
I think this is plain and simple, kick him to the curb, and like Rori said do it simple not with a whole lot of show or emotion just put it to him in a simple manner and go on down the road. And if he tries to deny it don’t fall for all the “I love you, “I won’t do it again, because those statements are not true, if he figured out a way to do it once he will do it again. These kinds of guys are not commitment material because they haven’t grown up yet. Don’t sell yourself short keep looking for mister right.
Since some of you may be hurting from the scourge of infidelity, it may be cathartic to share your story or comforting to hear the plight of others. My friend was six months pregnant with twins, when on Valentine’s day, her husband said he had a meeting to attend. The sudden nature of this development did not sooth her, so her husband decided he would first get her take out food, to appease her. On his way out, he encountered the women he had been seeing. Then next day, this woman called the wife at her job (she found the work number on the husband’s cell phone) and confessed the terrible details of their affair-in explicit detail! The most telling blow was when she [the wife] learned that hubby told the other woman he wanted her to have his baby. Suddenly, my friend was forced to make sense of all those times when her horrendous husband stayed late for meetings, conferences and parties. He even got to the point of sneaking out at night. I would wake up at 1 and 2AM to find him gone! Here she was six months pregnant and devastated. For a long time after she gave birth, he continued to have the affair — that was almost four years ago. I don’t know where things stand, but amazingly, they are still married and together. She tells me that she feels as though her marriage is on automatic pilot with her standing on the sidelines. She’s lost the passion and trust she once had. Do anyone think she should remain in her loveless marriage for the sake of her twins?
This can be worked out If you both really want to. It can’t be just you that wants it because if he doesn’t really then it is just going to continue. If you decide to break It off with him it is totally understandable and I think you should take Rori’s advice and just get it over with. Make it simple and sweet, no drama. And you know you have plenty of supporters out here behind you 100%.
First, dating web sites and now Social media I think has made it convenient for people to cheat. It is certainly a whole lot easier for a player to put his advances on auto pilot with dating sites where you can essentially, hit on dozens of women per day. I know a guy whose wife recently asked for a divorce, According to him, she had been going out nightly for two weeks with friends she met on FaceBook. Just a year ago his wife didn’t know how to use a computer, until her brother sent her a Face Book invite. It was an innocent beginning for her, but she setup her profile, and left her status as single’. Soon, he started to notice she would be spending hours (3-4) on her laptop. Leading up to when she decided to divorce, she had confessed her affair to him. I guess her Facebook Likes’ turned into Lust’, and heartache for him.
In response to Jimmie’s comment about the lady with twins that is in a loveless relationship now because her husband for all we know is still cheating on her and his question as to whether she should stay for the sake of the twins, my answer is HELL no! I would have left that sorry sack before I had given birth, as soon as the lady called me and told me in detail what they did and what he said to her about having his baby, I would have been gone and those babies wouldn’t even know their father. What are they going to be teaching those babies as they grow up, if they stay in a loveless relationship those kids are going to be able to tell? And you can’t tell me that they will be nice to each other all the time so these kids are going to grow up thinking a relationship is supposed to be like that? No it would be far better if they weren’t around that and if she can find another husband that would love her and those kids they would all be better off.
I know that God did not create all men equal and he did not create all of them to be such pigs but I am having a hard time finding one that isn’t. If it isn’t other women it is pornography, drugs or gambling. I know that women have their faults as well, with them there are sometimes other men, drugs, alcohol, gambling and the need to spend money on shoes. But it always seems to be the men hurting the women with infidelity and I don’t think they understand how this really effects the women they hurt. I’m sorry that you are going through this and I hope that you can get past this with out the permanent scaring that this sometimes leaves and the belief that all men are bad, I also hope this does not prevent you from continuing to look for that guy.
I agree with you christine that social media made it convenient for people to cheat not only their life partner but also his/her friend with whom they chat.
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