Fighting Right and the Rori Raye Mantra – How to Get Him to Hear You
In the foundation of any relationship, learning to respect each other and “fight right” is of paramount importance. One thing that Rori Raye points out in her have the Relationship You Want eBook is that many fights are not about the issue at hand – they are about control. Learning to manage your disagreements in a mature and loving fashion will strengthen your relationship exponentially and is one of the best pieces of relationship advice you can heed.
So let’s take a look at the anatomy of a fight. The first kind of fighting is called “right fighting”. This is exactly the opposite of fighting right. In right fighting, one or both of the partners is only concerned with being right, getting his or her way, and controlling the situation. You know you are right-fighting when you are doing any of the following ….
- Planning only what you are going to say next when he is talking
- Trying to force him to agree with you or do what it is you want
- When you care only about being right and getting justice for what you believe to be an injustice
- Denying his feelings as valid
Looking at these things, perhaps both of you are fighting this way, or only one of you, but when fighting is based on controlling the outcome, it’s not ever going to be a productive, positive experience for your relationship.
Rori Raye has a mantra in her Have the Relationship You Want eBook (p 138) that gives a lot of insight to the reader about how to handle MANY situations as a positive, energetic and mature woman. Her mantra goes like this…
I trust my boundaries – I trust myself: I know I will not knowingly toss my pearls before swine, throw myself into the path of destruction, hide from the truth, go along with or tolerate something that is damaging to me. Now I can move to my feelings.
I follow my feelings – I follow my emotions around my body and into my heart because they are my compass in the world. I love my feelings and know that I must go where I am, be where I am, feel what I feel, and go through the feeling if I want to feel better. Now I can speak.
I choose my words – I am committed to clear, direct, feeling based communication. I honor my feelings by expressing them from my heart without trying to influence or attack my man. If I choose, now I can let go of the result.
I allow every moment to be a surprise – I don’t have to know every outcome, I don’t have to manage every situation, I don’t have to make sure everything goes the way I want, and I absolutely don’t have to know what my man is going to say or do next.
Because I know what I will not tolerate, because I can feel what I feel, because I’ve stated clearly what I feel and don’t want, I can let go of control.
How does the Rori Raye Mantra help a woman know HOW to fight? It helps us to direct our feelings into the proper energy – in other words, expressing your FEELINGS, your WANTS and NEEDS as positive and appropriate words, and not as demands or aggressive instructions. It helps you to let go of the need to control the outcome and step into the need to direct your own feelings into expression, where your man can come to a deeper understanding and appreciation of you because you have SHARED yourself with him. Its relationship help at its best.
Doing this can be a little scary, especially the “letting go of the control” part. But think of this as not letting go of yourself or relinquishing anything, instead, think of it as Rori Raye says, like opening yourself and giving yourself to the relationship, to love, to the man you want to be with.
Rori writes, “Taking the leap to speaking about our feelings when we’ve spent our whole lives working very hard to do just the opposite – whether we’re afraid of what someone will think or do, or whether we simply want to be more highly conscious people and have more refined emotions – takes courage and commitment to the process.” (Have the Relationship You Want, p 145).
What do you do, then, if you are doing all this RIGHT, and yet your partner is still “right fighting”? Be consistent. Use your “I feel” words. Express what YOU feel and ask him what he feels in the heat of the moment. Try using Rori Raye’s expressions like “ I don’t want to go there, listen to this, be there, be here, stand here, tolerate this, have this, worry about this, think about this, take charge of this, plan this –what do you think? “ – using the “what do you think?” at the end of your expression lets him know that you are showing your feelings and also concerned about his and that you value his opinion.
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Your article is helpful when it comes to relationships. I’ll keep it in mind.
If you want to save your relationship, you better read this. It’s helpful with great tips.
That is a nice series of positive affirmations in your mantra, especially the one that uses the timeless words of Jesus Christ, [I know I will not knowingly] toss my pearls before swine’ – which is what people do when they participate in one of those “right fights. The advice at the end can be very tough for some to follow. It takes discipline, especially if the other person is totally inconsiderate and only uses the other person’s concern to further voice his/her motives. Then again, if you find yourself in a relationship with such a self centered or selfish person, you probably should consider removing yourself from such an unhealthy dynamic.
Your post is so true, I never thought that fighting that way was wrong. Now that I see what you are talking about though it sounds so stupid to fight that way because you are right nothing gets resolved. I will use this information the next time we get in to a fight and I will use my “I feel ” words and see what the outcome is then. Thanks so much for pointing out this fact.
My son and his girlfriend jus went through this last night. Unfortunately I didn’t see this article until today or I would have showed it to them. I did tell them however that arguing was a natural thing in a relationship and it would bring them closer that the important thing was that they make up at the end. I will show him this article though, thanks for the post.
I think there exists a natural balance in a relationship because of he personality types which naturally are attracted to one another. You never see two controlling personalities in a relationship. They would kill each other. And you never see two submissive persons together probably because they would both find it difficult to make the hard decisions to get important things done. Rori Raye’s advice really breaks down the reasons and possible solutions to arguments within a relationship. But maybe you should also consider how your personality types play a factor. Are you the relator type or director or are you being too submissive? And his your partner the wrong personality type for you?
This is awesome advice. You know those weddings you go to that ask you to leave advice for the new couple on an index card and slip it in a box at the door. I am going to leave the “fighting right ” rules for them because I think this should help any marriage young or celebrating the 50th anniversary. Thanks for the advice.
Arguing in a relationship is healthy, my husband and I were discussing this very thing this morning because my son and his girlfriend were arguing about something. I think it is a good sign that the relationship will last when you can get mad at each other argue (the right way) and still come out of it loving each other. If you never argue then you are bound to not last very long because one day you will have a blow up that will be so bad it will end it right there. It builds the relationship stronger if you can get your disagreements out in the open and then make up.
What do you do when you are friends or in a relationship with a person who has not only dominant personality trait, but also has a biting, abrasive way of communicating. Is there a way to communicate with such a person without all the frustrating, insults and yelling or do both parties have to be willing to make certain compromises and changes? What if the abrasive person cannot help themselves because they were raised to communicate in an abusive environment? I hope you can provide some advice into a not so simple scenario.
I have never been one to speak my feelings or my opinions because I have this fear of being made fun of or called stupid. I haven’t always been that way I started out telling people what I thought and how I felt but then it all started, the making fun of by my brother or the calling me stupid by him and my mother, eventually I clammed up and didn’t show that side anymore. Unfortunately that stayed with me into my relationship with my husband. In our early years of marriage when ever there was a fight I would automatically shut down close myself off and just let him rant and rave because he was always right, I wasn’t going to be told by him I was stupid and I wasn’t going to be made fun of by him either so I just shut up and let him be right even if he was wrong. It has been twenty five years now and I am just now coming out of that shell and starting to speak my mind and feelings and it feels good. Thank you for running this post, I hope for all those girls out there like me that they read this story and they come out of their shells way before I did.
I quickly decided fighting wasn’t worth it. I would much rather give in, and let him be right even if I know that I am, over fighting with him. I know that I need to voice my opinion and stand strong for myself but I have never been a fighter I’m not any good at it. I want to be heard though I want my opinion to many something so I am going to try your tips in your article and see if it will help any because so many things that I have let go ended up biting us both in the butt in the end and I knew we should have done it differently from the beginning and just didn’t say anything.
It is unfortunate when the lines of communication in a relationship are strained in some way. Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don’t say anything to their partner until they’re ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. I tend to be that way because I try to avoid conflict. While it may seem to be the less stressful route–avoiding an argument altogetherit almost always causes more stress to both parties as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. I have learned the long hard way, that it is much healthier to address and resolve conflict.
My husband and I have been together twenty six years and I have just now started to tell him how it is when we get in an argument. Now mind you I said “started I still don’t do it all the time because I just can’t stand it when he is mad at me. I have insecurity issues and I always think that if he gets mad at me he will leave me. I know a relationship shouldn’t be that way, and it isn’t his fault, it is just a stupid hiccup in my personality. I am working on it though and thanks to your advice on how to argue right and make him hear me I think it is working. We have had some real break through in our relationship now and it has been wonderful. Thank you for the advice Rori I look forward to your future posts.
Marriage is an area of our lives where effective planning is often regarded as unnecessary. I have talked to couples who usually believe that they should be guided by their instincts whenever they have a conflict. Regarding emotional needs in a marriage, most spouses believe that couples should do for each other what they feel like doing. If there is no interest in meeting a particular need, it should simply go unresolved. The idea that a spouses should create a plan to become experts at meeting each other’s most important emotional needs, whether or not there is interest in meeting those needs, seems to go against marital intuition. But I guess that is why any relationship can benefit from professional counseling.
I loved your Mantra so much I had to print it and hang it on my wall. I have just recently been shown that I am to much of a softy and I tend to let people walk all over me, including my husband. When we get into a fight I don’t want him to be mad at me so I don’t speak my mind I just let him have his way, right or wrong, and we go on about our business. Recently that has proven to be detrimental to our finances and I have decided like it or not I am going to have to speak up more often. After discussing this with him he agrees, but he thinks that we might have created a monster also. Thanks for your advice here Rori, keep it coming because it really does help.
I think arguments are necessary for us to really get to know each other. They help us to separate emotionally in a good way from our partners as we learn how different their stance is from ours with any given issue. Emotional separateness between partners is important because it allows you to function as separate individuals. I would hate to be completely co-dependent and I don’t like to see it in others either. Arguments are also necessary to set important limits or boundaries in a relationship. It is not always possible or desirable to get one’s own way in a relationship. An argument can add some passion behind your partner’s wish for you to behave differently. It can also help you take note of what is important to your partner and you can then decide whether you want to comply with his or her wishes or not.