Fighting Right and the Rori Raye Mantra – How to Get Him to Hear You
In the foundation of any relationship, learning to respect each other and “fight right” is of paramount importance. One thing that Rori Raye points out in her have the Relationship You Want eBook is that many fights are not about the issue at hand – they are about control. Learning to manage your disagreements in a mature and loving fashion will strengthen your relationship exponentially and is one of the best pieces of relationship advice you can heed.
So let’s take a look at the anatomy of a fight. The first kind of fighting is called “right fighting”. This is exactly the opposite of fighting right. In right fighting, one or both of the partners is only concerned with being right, getting his or her way, and controlling the situation. You know you are right-fighting when you are doing any of the following ….
- Planning only what you are going to say next when he is talking
- Trying to force him to agree with you or do what it is you want
- When you care only about being right and getting justice for what you believe to be an injustice
- Denying his feelings as valid
Looking at these things, perhaps both of you are fighting this way, or only one of you, but when fighting is based on controlling the outcome, it’s not ever going to be a productive, positive experience for your relationship.
Rori Raye has a mantra in her Have the Relationship You Want eBook (p 138) that gives a lot of insight to the reader about how to handle MANY situations as a positive, energetic and mature woman. Her mantra goes like this…
I trust my boundaries – I trust myself: I know I will not knowingly toss my pearls before swine, throw myself into the path of destruction, hide from the truth, go along with or tolerate something that is damaging to me. Now I can move to my feelings.
I follow my feelings – I follow my emotions around my body and into my heart because they are my compass in the world. I love my feelings and know that I must go where I am, be where I am, feel what I feel, and go through the feeling if I want to feel better. Now I can speak.
I choose my words – I am committed to clear, direct, feeling based communication. I honor my feelings by expressing them from my heart without trying to influence or attack my man. If I choose, now I can let go of the result.
I allow every moment to be a surprise – I don’t have to know every outcome, I don’t have to manage every situation, I don’t have to make sure everything goes the way I want, and I absolutely don’t have to know what my man is going to say or do next.
Because I know what I will not tolerate, because I can feel what I feel, because I’ve stated clearly what I feel and don’t want, I can let go of control.
How does the Rori Raye Mantra help a woman know HOW to fight? It helps us to direct our feelings into the proper energy – in other words, expressing your FEELINGS, your WANTS and NEEDS as positive and appropriate words, and not as demands or aggressive instructions. It helps you to let go of the need to control the outcome and step into the need to direct your own feelings into expression, where your man can come to a deeper understanding and appreciation of you because you have SHARED yourself with him. Its relationship help at its best.
Doing this can be a little scary, especially the “letting go of the control” part. But think of this as not letting go of yourself or relinquishing anything, instead, think of it as Rori Raye says, like opening yourself and giving yourself to the relationship, to love, to the man you want to be with.
Rori writes, “Taking the leap to speaking about our feelings when we’ve spent our whole lives working very hard to do just the opposite – whether we’re afraid of what someone will think or do, or whether we simply want to be more highly conscious people and have more refined emotions – takes courage and commitment to the process.” (Have the Relationship You Want, p 145).
What do you do, then, if you are doing all this RIGHT, and yet your partner is still “right fighting”? Be consistent. Use your “I feel” words. Express what YOU feel and ask him what he feels in the heat of the moment. Try using Rori Raye’s expressions like “ I don’t want to go there, listen to this, be there, be here, stand here, tolerate this, have this, worry about this, think about this, take charge of this, plan this –what do you think? “ – using the “what do you think?” at the end of your expression lets him know that you are showing your feelings and also concerned about his and that you value his opinion.
Categories: Rori Raye Tags: have the relationship you want, how to fight, relationship advice, relationship help, rori raye, rori raye mantra
Advice on How To Have The Relationship You Want – Relationship Tips for Women by Rori Raye
This woman is experiencing the pain of her man withdrawing from her, and wondering what she can do to turn her relationship around. Let’s read her story, and then I will explain what this woman can do as Rori Raye has taught us in Have the Relationship You Want….
I have been seeing this guy I met online for about 3 months, he is good to me, treats me special, we get along great. we have a lot in common, music, family values, life ideas, activities, we have so much fun together. He works long hrs during the week (10 to 15 hr days) we were together every weekend usually 2 days and 1 or 2 evenings through the week. If I say something about doing something he’ll ask me to wait until he can be with me, or he changes his plans to be with me. He worries more about me having a good time or being happy than himself (he says it’s about me). Last week I was pretty stressed with things in my life, I told him I just want to get away to relax, wanted to go camping… it was late in the week but he tried to find a place for us to go, but wasn’t able….then he asked if I’d be ok to just go and pitch the tent in his backyard, that’s what we did, pitched the tent, cooked over the fire pit. Spent the whole weekend camping in his yard. I thought it was sweet of him. That’s the kind of things he does for me. Yeah sounds so perfect….but my problem is… he is moving back home next year, he tells me he’s going but never says anything about me going along, never said I wasn’t either, but he also still goes on the singles site where we met, I don’t know if he’s meeting anyone, and we never made our relationship exclusive, we have not put any label on what we are…I am falling in love with him and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m scared I’ll be the one to get hurt. And now it has happened, he knew how much I cared and says I deserve better, we haven’t been in touch for a couple weeks now, he says he wants to be my friend but doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. What can I do? I really do love him. Please I need some help; I don’t know where to turn.
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain – but this is SO common in budding relationships, according to Rori Raye. First he comes on strong, gets you attracted to him and gets your heart in his hand … then he pulls away and leaves YOU wondering what the heck happened.
Well, first of all, when he was the one pursuing you, you were doing what Rori Raye calls “leaning back” – you were making him take the steps toward you and to pursue you, which men LIKE to do.
In addition, it seems to me that he has been TELLING you that he does not want an exclusive relationship – he is moving, he has been hurt before, etc. YOU have also been hurt, and just maybe, you were starting to feel safe with him because you knew deep inside that he did not want a serious relationship, therefore he could not be a serious threat to your heart. But what happens it, you start to feel safe for him, and when you do, you allow yourself to fall in love with him.
So now what?
Well, in order to actually HAVE the relationship you want, you have to know what is out there. You must start dating other people. Your relationship with this man is undefined, he is moving away, he is becoming distant and he is on other dating sites. Why would you consider this relationship to be exclusive? It’s not. TAKE that opportunity to date other people.
By dating other people, you will expand your interests, the selection of men available to you, AND you will show THIS man that you are a hot commodity, and if he WANTS to be exclusive with you, he needs to EARN IT.
Then – there’s the talking and listening part. When a man says he’s not sure he’s “into you,” or “not feeling it for you,” RUN. Saying he loves you but isn’t ready yet for a serious relationship is WAY different than saying he’s “not sure of his feelings.” If he says he’s “not sure of his feelings”, that would be the cue to get out of there.
But - you don’t have to leave him completely – you can still DATE him. He may actually be feeling confused. But your sticking around while he figures it out will do you nothing but harm.
So – if this man felt safe by telling you that he was moving, he was not interested in a real relationship, etc, he felt safe when he felt that he had to really pursue you to get your interest. But then, when he HAD it, it freaked him out and he distanced himself.
So you need to get yourself out there and date other people. Show this guy that you are in demand, that you are not going to sit there and pine away for him and then maybe that will give him the impetus to understand his feelings and take action on them one way or another. Learn more in Rori Raye’s eBook Have the Relationship You Want.
Categories: Rori Raye Tags: distant man, distant relationship, have the relaitonship you want, man withdrawing, relaitonship advice, relationship help, rori raye
Relationship Advice from Rori Raye – Quit the Negative Talk and Open Your Relationship to the Positive
Today I want to relay some relationship advice that I learned from Rori Raye which I believe is vital to the longevity of any relationship. Simply put, it’s called respect, but Rori, in her typical, florid fashion that we all love, calls it “Your Man is wonderful”.
We have all heard it from the mouths of other women – you hear some woman, or a friend (or maybe even yourself) making snide remarks to another woman, a friend or a relative about something that your boyfriend or husband did to just frost your cookies. In your anger or disgust, you may say something like, “He is so insensitive” or “He is so stupid sometimes!”. On the other hand, you may hear him referring to you as “the old lady” or the “ball and chain”.
Either way, comments like these are derogatory and breed contempt. And not only do they breed contempt – but they actually help you to create a negative view of your boyfriend or husband. If you are trying to have the relationship you want to have instead of the relationship that you DO have, comments and feelings like these MUST be removed from your repertoire.
Rori Raye, in the Have the Relationship You Want ebook says when you find yourself making comments like these – STOP. Simply STOP before you actually get it all out of your mouth. First of all, imagine how he would feel if he were standing behind you and heard you say what you were about to say. Secondly, it makes YOU look bad as a person to whomever you are commenting to. Negative comments reflect the SAYER more than they reflect on the person who is being condemned. Negativity has a way of coming back around on you and manifesting in your life when you promote it by speaking and thinking bad things.
Instead, Rori Raye encourages us to stop what we were ABOUT to say and replace it with something you genuinely LIKE about him. And yes, you may sound goofy to whomever you were speaking to, but, this positive manifestation is going to help your relationship and your personal outlook. Being positive fills you with love and light, not darkness and anger like negativity does.
So if you are trying to change your relationship, one important piece of relationship advice that I can give you direct from Rori Raye is to quit the negative talk, and replace that talk with positive talk. This will quickly become habit, and it is something that you can ask him to do as well. This will promote mutual respect and communication within your relationship and in the end, make it much stronger and bring it toward that ultimate relationship that you want to have.
Categories: Rori Raye Tags: have the relationship you want, negativity, relationship advice, relationship help, relationship problem, rori raye
Curing Distance In Your Relationship – A Story from Rori Raye
I was reading through a newsletter by Rori Raye of Have the Relationship you want the other day, and was very moved by what she said in it. I want to share this piece of relationship advice with my audience, because distance in a relationship (the emotional kind, not the physical kind) is a problem that we ALL encounter at one time or another. And like Rori Raye shows us in her story, most of us do the wrong thing – we over-do and over-reach, and it never works to bridge that gap. So let’s get to it.
Here is Rori’s story about her own relationship and how she healed her relationship by doing exactly the opposite of what she had been doing for a very long time.
Have you ever felt like your relationship is just drifting away from you? And your heart feels like it’s taken a direct hit? Where you feel absolutely wounded?
I remember feeling so NEGLECTED by my husband. There was so much frustration and sadness in the space between him and me, on top of all the sleepless, miserable nights I spent alone – curled up on the rug, crying, or just walking the house while he slept. What I wanted, what I NEEDED, was HEALING. I needed someone to wave a magic wand over me and heal my relationship, and then heal my heart.
I tried therapists and healers of all kinds, and the hole in my heart just got deeper and deeper, and the distance between my husband and I just got bigger and bigger. What I didn’t know then was that not only could I heal myself, and fast, but that I could heal my relationship, too.
I spent so much time trying to figure my husband out, and figure out why things were going wrong, and figuring out how to GET HIM TO DO what I wanted him to do and ACT how I wanted him to ACT. But every time I opened my mouth, it was like he was telling me with the look on his face and the coldness of his body language that I’d once again “put my foot in it.”
Every time I tried to “talk” about what was going on with us, it backfired. Things just got worse and worse, to where I was afraid to even speak. And remember, I was a fairly successful person in every other part of my life – I was outgoing, smart, a working actress. I’d even learned how to put a business together on my own. But here I was – afraid to SPEAK to my husband.
So there I was, walking on eggshells during the day and staying up all night trying to figure things out. And everything I was doing was more damaging than if I’d done nothing. Walking on eggshells was destroying trust in my marriage. He stopped trying to communicate with me. And I, so frustrated by not being able to have things the way I wanted, started doing even MORE of it MYSELF.
I was carrying my household, my life, and my marriage all in my own arms – all by myself. If this sounds familiar, know that you can turn this around like I did, using the Tools I created for myself. I was doing so much “figuring out,” it was taking up all my time and energy.
Until I finally “figured out” how to undo all the damage my “figuring out” had done, how to truly CONNECT with my husband again, and how to HEAL my relationship – all in ONE MOMENT! And that was the moment I STOPPED trying to Figure Things Out.
I’d been so tense and overworked and anxious, I’d just kept going, no matter what. I’d been jumping over obstacles I’d created for myself, I’d worked hard to fix things, and I’d worked hard at being cheerful and positive. I could have exploded. I could have blown a fuse or gotten really sick.
Instead, in a moment of utter frustration, I just STOPPED. I sat down on the floor and didn’t have dinner ready. I stayed on the floor, watching my daughter play with a toy, and I didn’t get up to welcome my husband home. I could hear the coldness in his voice and even though I felt the fear in my body screaming at me that I would lose everything if I didn’t jump up and make everything “better,” I stayed put.
I didn’t try to make everything “better.” Instead, I watched our daughter play on the floor right in front of me. I watched my husband go straight to her, hug and cuddle and kiss her and practically IGNORE ME, and then cuddle and kiss our cat and IGNORE ME, and I sat there, feeling like I was dying without his attention, affection and love.
And then, in two completely surprising minutes, it all changed. As he walked away from our daughter and our cat and went to take his work clothes off, I could feel my mind running, spinning, going a mile a minute trying to figure out HIS mind. I thought and tried to “figure things out” through every second of those two very long minutes.
I MADE myself stay on the floor and not run after him to ask how his day went and be a “good” wife even though I worked, too. And then the Magic Wand appeared. It was like a moment of light and quiet in my dark and busy mind. Just as I’d simply NOT gotten off the floor, I stopped thinking.
I focused on my daughter, looked at her face, looked at the paintings on the walls, looked at my own clothes and started thinking about how fun it would be to go shopping for MYSELF instead of the HOUSEHOLD, and before I knew it an amazing thing happened.
He walked over to me. He sat down next to me. I thought he was there for our daughter, but he was there for ME. He looked at me. I smiled at him. And in that one moment, we CONNECTED.
If you had told me then that just NOT doing what I always did (and it might be different things for you that you always do and can stop doing) would make so much difference in my relationship, I would have rolled my eyes. I never would have believed you.
From there, I started feeling stronger. I stopped doing more and more, and to my never- ending surprise, the less I did, the more space I allowed between us, the CLOSER he wanted to come to me!
And then, even more amazingly, as I started practicing this early version of my LeanBack Tool, I started to feel different inside. I got my confidence back. I started to FEEL more powerful. I saw that my husband craved closeness as much as I did, he just didn’t know how to do it. He couldn’t put his finger on what was pushing him away from me.
He wanted to cuddle. He wanted to initiate sex. Actually, he wanted to Make Love to me. He started looking FORWARD to bedtime and cuddling up and kissing. He could never have given me the advice I needed to inspire him like this, because he didn’t understand it himself. (I still don’t talk about any of this to him, not because I want to keep secrets, but because it’s not about HIM!) And this is where the HEALING happens. By staying put on the floor, I was paying attention to ME. By not jumping up and all of a sudden making him the focus of my life, I was focusing on MYSELF and what felt good to ME at the moment, which was sitting and watching my daughter.
(And by the way, you may have done these kinds of things before – pulling away, not doing what you may have done for him before, but out of ANGER and RESENTMENT. And the key to the whole thing working is that as soon as my man DID come over and sit beside me – I SMILED. I was warm, I welcomed him. If I had been angry or resentful, he likely would have felt it and not come over and sat down at all, or he would have gotten up quickly, or turned his full attention to our daughter instead of to me.
If I’d been UNWELCOMING, I might have gotten totally involved in playing with our daughter and hardly even LOOKED at him. I might have deliberately, or unconsciously SHUT HIM OUT. I would have been cold. And that made all the difference.
And that’s how I healed my relationship. Practically overnight. And now you can do it, too.
